22 August 2012

Gloomy Night, Somewhat Gloomy Musings

It's kind of a gloomy, drizzly evening. I'm sitting here alone in a dark room. And Facebook is acting really buggy (even by Facebook standards), preventing me from having any semblance of a social life. So maybe I'll just sit here and write down some random thoughts.

Last weekend I was forced to spend time cut off from the internet. I don't know where the fault was, exactly, but apparently my ISP didn't deem it important enough to repair during the weekend. (Lazy sods.) So I ended up having an impromptu Buffy marathon (picking up from where I left off after starting a re-watch some time last spring), and ended up watching all of season 4 during that one weekend. Actually, on Sunday alone I watched a total of 16 episodes (basically doing nothing else that day). Which is pretty much a record for me, for any show. I had crisps. And dip. And Dr Pepper. It was fun.

And there's basically no real reason for sharing that, other than recording it for posterity... But speaking of spending time alone, well, that's a thing I do, a fair amount of, in fact, being a fairly introverted person by nature, and of the single persuasion. And I've been mostly fine with that for many, many years. I need me plenty of 'me time'. Can't live without it. But lately I've been thinking about this being alone stuff... maybe a little more than I'd like. For one thing, I'm getting to be at an age where, everywhere you turn, it's just couples and couples, starting families and stuff. And yes, I admit, I'm a little jealous sometimes. Not so much of the family stuff (that's really not for me), but of the simple fact of being able to reach out and touch someone, to share some kind of connection... Although perhaps more than actually being alone, it may be the powerlessness to do anything about it that's getting to me. It's been years since I've held any kind of hope of ever meeting someone, after all. What can I say. I'm a realist.

It's been a little while since I've had a drink, and I wasn't planning on drinking in the near future (among other reasons because I've got better use for the little money I have), but right at this moment, thinking about all this stuff, if I had any booze around... yeah, I'd get soddin' plastered.

It's not just this state of solitary existence that's darkening my thoughts, though. There's the regular aesthetic, arty stuff too, that tends to fill my day to day existence. (And that kind of darkness I view only as positive, although I guess the real life stuff and imaginary stuff might in some ways feed each other...) In particular my thoughts of late have often dwelled on vampires. This was mostly brought on by the latest storyline of Weregeek (have I ever even blogged about that? it's a pretty neat webcomic), dealing with a World of Darkness themed vampire larp. I've never actually played any WoD games, so I spent some time reading about them. And inspired by this I spent some time planning a vampire society for my own fantasy setting, Va'ita. And then I got to watching Buffy and we loop back to the beginning of this blog post and... um, yeah, right.

Add to the mix some spiritual musings I won't bore you with and a preference for dark music lately (I've been listening to Cradle of Filth a lot, for instance), it's a wonder I still have any colour at all in my wardrobe. (Yeah, well, I have neither the funds, skills or face to pull off a proper Gothic look, even if I wanted to...)

And that, I think, was more or less that. I seem to have veered from mere gloom and loneliness to ever darker (though mostly in an aesthetic way) realms, but, like, whatever... Sweet dreams. And remember, the Dark Side is powerful... ;-)

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